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Alright, buckle up, fuck head, were gonna make this quick, because we’re about to embark on a journey into the land of dividend stocks, and let me tell ya, it’s gonna be a fun. You’re probably sitting there, scrolling through this with the same enthusiasm you reserve for watching paint dry at your WageCage™, but I’m about to flip your shit script. Investing in dividend stocks is not just smart; it’s the kind of smart that makes you slap your face and go, “Why the fuck didn’t I start sooner?”
If you’ve ever turned your nose up at dividend stocks because some suit-wearing, jargon-spouting, Tik-Tok Brained, View Farming, finance “guru” told you they’re as exciting as watching grass grow, then I’m here to tell you, Its true. Dividend stocks are the tortoise in that age-old fable: slow and steady, but oh baby, they win the Good Goy rat race.
Why Dividend Stocks are Your Financial White Knight Simp in Shining Armor
First off, let’s get one thing straight: if you’re not investing in dividend stocks, you’re essentially throwing a perfectly good lifeline back into the sea. These beauties are the epitome of “set it and forget it” You park your cash in these stocks, and they start working for you, churning out cash while you eat, sleep, or binge-watch the latest TV Goy Slop show, to stay in that whores pants you met at the bar three weeks ago.
And here’s the kicker: while you’re lounging around in your WW2 memorabilia filled Coom Hovel, your dividend stocks are reinvesting themselves, growing your pile of cash without you having to lift a finger. It’s like having a golden goose, except you don’t have to clean actual goose shit.
The Slow, Sexy Appeal of Dividend Stocks
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But aren’t dividend stocks kind of, you know, boring ya Boomer?” “I need to have a dopamine fried brain running at 150%, just like I get from a dopamine dump from Crypto pump” And to that, I say: since when did making money become boring? Sure, they’re not the high-octane, adrenaline-pumping investments you might see in a Wolf of Wall Street drug scenes, but guess what? They’re steady and reliable just like your mom. Kinda sexy in a “I don’t have to worry about paying bills or worry about taking her to dinner” kind of way.
The Fools Who Shun Dividend Stocks
Let’s address the elephant in the room: the naysayers. The folks who scoff at dividend stocks because they’re retarded and high time preference individuals. To them, I say: enjoy being old, homeless, and destitute sleeping in a ditch. The rest of us will be over here, hanging out with family and sipping on a nice bourbon, and not giving a fuck about retirement expenses.
Alright, so you’re in, but you’re not exactly sure where to start. Fear not, for I’ve got you covered. Forget the esoteric, made-up-on-the-spot stocks your broker’s trying to push. Stick to the classics.
(Side note: I’m not shilling the SureDivdend.com subscription, just posting because of the easy explanation of the dividend collections themselves and their related links)
All of the following are just simplified collections of dividend stocks and their varying quality depending, on industry, returns, initial cost, etc.
All Dividend Kings: Like royalty, but with better returns.
All Dividend Aristocrats: They’ve got a fancy title for a reason.
All Dividend Champions: They’re champions of making you money.
Many REITs, MLPs, and BDCs: It’s like alphabet soup, but the kind that fills up your bank account.
Blue-Chip Dividend Growth Stocks: The Larry Bird of dividend stocks.
Using Your Job’s Perks for Extra Gain
And for the love of American Shekels, if you have access to a 401(k), IRA, or the holy grail, especially an ROTH IRA, use it! These tools are like cheat codes for the investment game, allowing you to sit on a pile of cash come retirement.
Recommend that you start with the low to medium cost options. You don’t have to break the bank to get in on this action.
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